Dateline Randle- A
local woman reported to police that she was being stalked and harassed by the
Cucuritacea Family--specifically an individual known as “Cucurbita Pepo.”
“I went out of town after starting an outdoor
home improvement project,” the woman reported, “And when I came back Cucurbita
Pepo had moved in!” She went on to describe him as “creepy” in habit, and
“palmately lobed” with “small prickly trichomes”---which, to be honest, this
reporter was unfamiliar with those terms--but immediately I locked my doors and
windows. Because you can never be too careful, am I right?
The Randle woman, who asked not to be
identified, stated that she, too, had taken all the normal precautions: locking
her car doors when vising friends, keeping both doors and windows secured at
all times, especially in late summer. Even with her heightened state of
awareness the victim claims she had already fought off numerous advances by
Pepo. “My friends keep saying ‘perhaps he’s not that bad, maybe you should give
him a chance,’” the woman stated, tears welling in her eyes, “but I know his
type. He just won’t quit.”
This investigative reporter visited the
woman’s home and sure enough—there at the site of the victim’s project was
Cucurbita Pepo. It seemed that merely disturbing the soil when installing a
post was enough of an invitation to Pepo.
When I contacted the police department, they
declined to comment on the record. “These things have a way of working
themselves out, given time,” said an officer that asked not to be identified.
“I imagine that by the time the first frost rolls around Mr. Pepo will have
moved on.”
The officer then offered me a zucchini muffin.
Clearly, the roots of this conspiracy of Cucurbita runs deep!
