Welcome Back to Packwood

 Welcome to Packwood! Its that time of year again, so here’s your refresher:

 Memorial Day kicks off Visitors’ Season* in our tiny mountain town, high in the Washington Cascades. Please enjoy your visit. For your elucidation, I have put together a list of guidelines that will make your stay more pleasant--for me.

The Rules Governing Elk

1) Elk don’t follow rules.

 

The Rules Governing Visitors and Elk

1) Elk don’t follow rules.

2) Don’t be like Elk.

3) Please enjoy the spontaneous elk parades that will take place at random intervals. Elk will wander out into the highway so that you can stop and enjoy their majesty. Please do.

4) Please watch for elk that will dash out in front of oncoming vehicles. There is almost always more than one. It is not considered a parade.

5) No, the Elk are not trucked in by the Disney Company. They do not talk.

6) No, you should not try to pet them.

7) Or feed them. If you really want to feed elk, I suggest you buy an alfalfa truck and park it, fully loaded, in town. This is the traditional way of feeding elk. Google it.

Saved you the Google search. You're welcome.

 

8) Do not let them have your IPA. Elk are terrible drunks.  

9) Yes, you can take one home with you. In fact, every visitor is allowed to take home six elk, each. Per visit. Did I say allowed? I meant REQUIRED.

10) Please do not allow the elk to drive. Actually, don’t allow them in your vehicle as elk are terrible back seat drivers as well, and have been known to chew on the upholstery.

11) U-Haul trucks are available in town to transport your elk. Yes. That’s why they’re there.

12) Once you take the elk, they are yours. DO NOT TRY TO RETURN YOUR USED ELK.

The Rules Governing Locals, Elk and Visitors 

1) Elk don’t follow rules.

2) Visitors are learning the rules. Please back me up on these rules. Especially the six elk—each, thing. I really think it might work.

3) Deer Season starts early September. Permit required. Limit one.

4) Elk Season starts early November. Permit required. Limit one. Personally, I am campaigning to increase the limit. I’m thinking a half-dozen should be good.

5) Visitors’ Season* starts May 26. Please remember that no permits for visitors will be issued.

Basketball Jones

 The other day, the Sume Family experienced a reunion of epic proportions—we were reunited with a long-lost basketball.

And not just any old basketball— but a Baden Perfection Elite Game Ball. A ball with a pedigree and a lot of happy memories attached. Way back in the day, when Baden joined our happy band, my son’s girlfriend wrote his name on the ball, with his initials and “W.P.” on the top. Today, the girlfriend is now his wife of six years and they have been promoted to the role of parent. Twice.  

The ball traveled a mysterious route on its way back to us...a friend, who works at the local school (shout out to White Pass!) and shall remain nameless (Hi Eileen!) delivered Baden at the request of the Athletic Director (Thank you, Brian Delong!) who inherited Baden from Toledo High Schools athletic program (Go India—er. Uh, I’m not sure what their nickname is now, but at the time Baden was lost they went by—and I say this as respectfully as possible—“Indians.” Go Toledo Representational Mascot!) The point is—Baden went thru a lot of hands to find his way back to our loving embrace. 

When I posted his picture in our family group chat the boys immediately recognized him, wrangled blame assignment over his loss, and filled me in on his back story—when and where he was acquired and for how much. In an interesting side note, the Baden Elite is the same price in Joe Biden’s America that it was in Barack Obama’s America, so invest in sporting goods, they are inflation proof I guess? Either that or Athletes’ Corner (RIP) really saw us coming... I feel like this would be a good time to make a joke about inflation-- and basketball are inflated already-- but I can’t seem to launch one into “She shoots! She Scores!” territory. Clearly, I need to step up my game.