It was brought to my attention the other day that I haven’t
confessed to all my Christmas Secrets. No, I’m not talking about the pony, that
one is a given. I’m talking about my secrets to insuring having the Most
Beautiful Christmas Tree Ever.
I’ve disclosed my belief “more lights/more better, too many
lights/most best” ---grammar people please breathe into this paper bag, I’m
playing with superlatives intentionally. Yes, I’m aware I misused “by” last
week when I really meant “buy,” and I have properly chastised myself for it,
and promise to never do it again---where was I? Oh, right—too many lights most
best.
I’ve even confessed to wadding up stands of lights and
shoving them in amongst the branches to really make the interior of the tree
glow. I’ve reminded you, Gentle Reader, to follow all Underwriters Laboratory
safety guidelines, to use extension cords properly and to apply copious amounts
of sunblock. What I forgot to mention was my master plan to defeat the laws of
nature; gravity, specifically.
My Christmas tree often ends up, not in front of a window,
but jammed into a tight corner. That means that all my boxes and boxes and
boxes of sparkly Christmas Cr** ornaments are only able to be displayed on—at
most (excuse me while a do a little mental math here: 75% of 360* ...of a
seven-foot tall noble fir...carry the one...) Anyway, suffice it to say I hang
a whole bunch of stuff on the front of the tree and not very much on the back
of the tree...and that afore-mentioned gravity? It’s a thing.
Behold the Christmas Tree Tragedy of 2006. It occurred in
super slow motion right in front of me; the tree began to list and lean, and
without so much as a “Timber!” crashed onto the dining room table, whilst I sat
there, doing my best Gob-smacked Goldfish impression.
Because I have cats, the ornaments were securely fastened to
the tree, so most of the damage occurred to ornaments that impacted the edge of
the table. Alas, poor glass turtle that lost his head! Adios to my hand
painted, blown-glass heart collection! Rest in pieces, favorite Snowman!
Every year since then the tree has been securely tethered to
the wall via a clever combination of screws in the wall and hi-test fishing
line; Designer Fishing Line if you will.
There. Now you know all my secrets.
Merry Christmas!
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