Alaska FAQ

 The following is a list of FAQ --frequently asked questions—I am asked about Alaska.

Q: Did you catch any fish?

A: Why does everybody ask that? No, but then again I did not go fishing. I was thinking I might want to try trout fishing, since according to everything I’ve been told, it’s more like “catching” than “fishing” but the lake was frozen over by the time I arrived.

Q: Did you go ice fishing?

A: No. While the lake was frozen over and the fishing shacks were clustered on the shore, apparently the ice wasn’t thick enough yet to deploy them. Which was kind of disappointing, I really think I’d like ice fishing. For at least 45 minutes. Long enough to check out the tiny fishing shacks and make re-decorating suggestions. “Perhaps the recliner, cocked at an angle to the big screen TV, would work better on the left side of the hole...”

Q: Did you see any Polar Bears?

A: No. I can only assume it’s because the ice wasn’t solid enough for them to deploy their fishing shacks either.

Q: Did you see Santa?

A: Yes! He asked about you. Not to violate Christmas HIPAA but he indicated you might want to work on a few upgrades to your behavior.

Santa! I know him!

Q: Did you see any Moose?

A: Yes! I saw a total of three, at different times/locations. THEY ARE HUGE. This is not hyperbole. They are oddly built, as though the prototype was drawn by a gift child who still struggled with proportions. While giraffes have super long necks to balance out their long legs, moose look like the (inverted) Corgis of the deer family. The first moose I saw had a coat so beautiful that I really want to pet it, to see if it would be a silky soft as it looked. I felt an awkward kinship with all the (foolish) Packwood tourist trying to move up close to an elk. I did not actually feel the Moose-- as I’m neither stupid nor suicidal--but oh boy, I WANTED to.

Q: Did you buy more donuts? And a follow up, what is the name of the business?

A: Yes--a dozen more. Because it’s Alaska and it’s important for survival reasons to stock up-- Jason’s Donuts is closed on Mondays and is often sold out by 10 a.m. on the days they are open. For example: They open at 8 a.m. on Sundays. We arrived in the parking lot at 8:03 a.m. One person was already leaving with donuts. Inside I counted nine more orders ahead of us. I mentally strung razor wire around the tray of bacon maple bars, and though unkind things about anyone in front of me who pointed in their direction. I spent $30 on a dozen assorted donuts and I’d do it again. Donuts pair well with caffeine and sunrises--and Alaska has a LOT of sky. It’s just math.

Sky Math

Jason's Donuts has now moved to an actual storefront location but how cool is this photo??

Alaska is Huge and Possibly Not

 I recently returned from Alaska and because I often refuse to believe that Time Management is an actual Thing, please accept this travelogue in place of your regularly scheduled content.

3:36 p.m. Arrived. Safe and sound. Flew Alaska Airlines because I figured they would know the way. Also thought they might be the only airline flying into Fairbanks. They did, and they aren’t. There. Saved you a google search. You’re welcome.

3:53 p.m. Have located baggage, secured my suitcase, and found my guide, all of that is less than 20 minutes. This is due more to the size of the airport—tiny—than to the efficacy of my actions.

4:00 p.m. No polar bears or moose in sight. It is still daylight. I feel I have been misled. There is some snow on the ground but it’s what I would call a “skiff.” I’m wondering if Alaska is mostly made up of hyperbole. The sun is shining and it’s 46*. I don’t know if this is due to the afore mentioned hyperbole, climate change, or if Mother Nature is simply trying to lull me into a false sense of security. I keep my parka on, just in case.

4:05 p.m. Still daylight. Just sayin’.

6:06 p.m. There. The sun (finally) set. I know, I watched it to make certain. They seem to have an abnormally amount of sky here, but I don’t see any mountains. We are having dinner at a Thai restaurant, in Alaska. As one does. There seems to also be a large number of Thai restaurants here. The curry at this restaurant—Lemongrass Thai-- is amazing. It does not have salmon in it.

3:00 a.m. Out searching for the Northern Lights. They remain elusive.

8:30 a.m. We have secured the Best Donuts in the World and are headed east to watch the sunrise. There is time to stop and secure caffeine as well, because the sunrise happens at a very civilized hour.

9:08 a.m. Sunrise. Frozen Tundra. Caffeine. A bacon covered maple bar the size of your daily allotment of calories. Snow is in the forecast, as is a trip to the North Pole. Still no moose or bear sightings but I am assured that I will see Santa, so I will reserve judgement as to the veracity of the Alaskan tales I have been told. 

Like the Biblical Thomas, I will be the judge of that with my own two eyes.

Santa's Address

The North Pole

Santa