Sue Gets Even

 I have decided that having an elk proof garden is a lot like getting a unicorn for your birthday; it’s nice to think about but it’s probably not going to happen.

I have tried EVERYTHING to keep elk out of my flowers: human hair, the urine of three small boys, a big dog, a bigger dog, Irish Spring soap in pantyhose---thanks for nothing, Internet---fishing line strung all around my gardens, scarecrow sprinklers, various stinky sprays, even eye of newt and toe of frog. Nothing was 100% effective.

     Then I stumbled upon a foolproof way to keep elk out of my garden for 30 days: Get a kill permit.

     A kill permit allows you to kill one lily-chewing elk, in your yard, no matter the season, for the next 30 days. This does not mean you get a freezer full of free elk steak. You shoot the elk and clean it---or dress it, or whatever it is one does to a dead elk---and then call an approved charity to come pick up the meat.

     There are seven steps to the kill permit acquisition process. First, you have to sustain substantial elk damage to your landscaping.
 2) Cry, and throw things.
 3) Call everybody---and by everybody I mean people who work for the department of Fish and Wildlife. Your friends may commiserate with you but odds are they don’t have access to the needed paperwork.
4) Complain.
5) Cry some more.
6) When the F&WL officer shows up, show him your elk damage while repeating steps four and five.
7) Hang the kill permit on your fridge.

     That’s all there is to it. You will now go 30 days with without seeing---neither hide nor hair of---an elk.