The Secret

Turning the Nearly Perfect Tree into the Best Christmas Tree Ever.

I am allowed three hundred words to tell you how turn turn the slightly flawed tree you are stuck with into to the prettiest tree you've ever seen, but I won't need nearly that many. I can sum it up in a simple phrase: lights, LOTS and LOTS of lights.

Most Christmas tree gurus will advise 100 lights per ft. Amateurs, I scoff, 200 lights per foot, minimum. You want that Oh Tannenbaum visible from space, trust me on this. If people have to squint at your Christmas tree to keep from being blinded by it's glow there is NO WAY they will be able to detect any imperfections in tree's trunk, branches or bare spots, or short comings in your decorating abilities.

Sume Tree 2004

Of course it goes without saying that you will want to follow all safety guild lines limiting the number of strands of lights you plug into each other and I recommend using a power strip with a surge protector. Last year I added a green extension cord with multiple outlets studded along the length of it to my decorating arsenal, running it vertically along the tree's trunk. Now I no longer arrive at the end of a light strand, miles away from the outlet and thinking un-Christmas like thoughts-- the outlet is right there on the tree.

Once you have the lights on you can decorate the tree to your heart's content. If you are planning on putting on a bunch of decorations--as I am fond of doing--be sure to apply liberal coats of SPF 15 to any exposed skin. We wouldn't want any skin damage to occur from long exposure to all that holiday lighting.

One last helpful tip for those of you who are fond of hanging a ton of what Shane festively refers to as "Christmas Crap" on the front of your tree and cramming the backside of the tree up against a wall. This will cause your tree to become susceptible to the whims of gravity. I highly recommend using fishing line to anchor the tree to the wall. That way you won't have to always refer to "The Christmas Tree Disaster of '09"...