Fantasy Meets Reality

I told you about learning of the existence of Scary Man, the caped crusader –sans the cape-- of the Department of Fish and Wildlife, charged with the important task of keeping my arch-enemies out of my flower gardens. 

I had imagined that Scary Man would be eight to twelve feet tall and look not unlike the huge Air Dancers you see outside of car dealerships. You know the ones, large inflatable devices comprised of a long tube attached to a fan which causes the tube to move in a dancing motion, flailing their long tube arms about and bending suddenly at the waist. My Scary Man Air Dancer would have an evil grin on his fierce face, scaring elk not only out of their ever-loving minds but out of my garden as well...

Sigh.

As with most set-ups your friends talk you into, Scary Man was not as I had imagined him to be. He was short—at 5’ 7” I could easily see the part in his hair, if he had hair--- and not to be unkind about it, he was a little dumpy as well. Still, I hoped his personality would be as intimidating as Wildlife Conflict Specialist Tammy Conklin described.

Tammy hung out for a little while and helped Scary Man and I get better acquainted. She showed me all of his options—lights, noise, or lights AND noise-- and special features. Scary Man comes complete with his own “box” that includes a small battery-- the type you would use for your lawn and garden tractor, as well as for plastic tent pegs to stake him down with. But the very best thing about Scary Man is that he has eyes in the back of his head. Or, I suppose you could say that he is two-faced, but that has such an ugly connotation and we are just getting to know one another...I remain optimistic.

Next week: Scary Man Moves In

Surprise!

There’s a Scary Man in my yard.

No, truly, there is. Due to certain changes in both the policies of the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife and a major change in my personal circumstances, a Kill Permit is not a reasonable response to my current elk infestation. Neither, it seems, is Napalm but I confess that I have had moments when nuking my garden to get at the invading elk seems totally reasonable.

But, perhaps, I am a little overly emotional around the edges these days, so when Wildlife Conflict Specialist Tammy Conklin suggested other alternatives to Total Elk Annihilation I begrudgingly listened. As an avid gardener herself, Tammy knows the pain of nurturing a plant only to see it chomped down in the prime of life by a greedy elk. And as she told me of the new toy, TOOL in her arsenal I became intrigued. Tammy suggested that in addition to all the other measures I was employing against the elk, the stinky spays, the scarecrow sprinklers---and, if I’m honest, the temper tantrums---that what my garden really needed was a Scary Man.

Imagine if you will, a calm moonlight setting, just before first light. All is quiet and peaceful when ninja elk mount a pre-dawn raid on my petunias. But before they can fully enjoy the first mouthful, the marauding elk are attacked by Scary Man, who bursts out of his benign appearing crate like some sort of demented jack-in-the-box, wobbling violently to and fro whilst lights and/or sounds send the elk fleeing in terror. I’ll admit the thought made me smile and Tammy agreed to introduce me to Scary Man.

Next week: Fantasy meets Reality.

How Does Your Garden Grow?

Mine is doing “okay”—it is trying to recover from the elk attack of a few weeks ago. Interestingly enough the one plant the elk left alone was my single zucchini plant. Really makes me wonder if the first growers of zucchini struck some sort of ill-fated bargain with the Dark Side to ensure the prolific success the squash seems to enjoy...

My latest run in with marauding elk has not sent me to the phone in search of another kill permit. I am pretty sure the elk would not grant me the 29 day reprieve, since it was Shane’s job to point the gun and my job to stand there, hissing “Shoot it!” Instead I am seriously planning a fence and wondering what the odds are that the Washington State Department of Fish and Wildlife would build me one---a BIG one. With razor wire and watch towers, one that would double as a good perimeter defense in case of zombie attack. “Better safe than sorry” will now become my new motto. It will replace my former motto “when in doubt, go with lime green.”

My phlox have not fared as well as the straw bale garden since they are located in multiple flowerbeds and harder to defend. The elk damage to the phlox has been rather severe but a kind hearted person –who was probably tired of all my complaining—brought me a beautiful bouquet of candy striped and rose pink phlox. She swore my children to secrecy when she dropped off the gift, but of course I recognized the blooms at once, having visited her lovely gardens on multiple occasions.

So that’s the state of my garden these days: zucchini prolific; phlox pruned; friends plentiful. And you know what—I think that’s a pretty good state of being.

August Musings

Here we are—smack-dab into August and all its activities. We’ve had a slight break in the weather lately, a little rain, some cooler temperatures, and my garden is looking a little less lack luster---what’s left of it. Since we last spoke, the elk have returned with a vengeance and stripped my gardens bare. Two of my beds have only a single bloom between them. I have lots of green, nearly leafless stalks and ONE flower.  One. Single. Flower. That is all. The elk have even stooped to eating my potted plants. I am set on erecting a fence around my backyard and am willing to twist the arms of friends to enlist their help. Y’all have been warned, so grab your gloves.

August also brings some of my favorite summertime activities; most notably Packwood Fire Department’s annual Beef BBQ and the Morton Logger’s Jubilee. The BBQ was last Sunday and was YUMMY as always. It is an amazing thing to see all the work the Fire Association puts in to pull off the yearly feast. This year, just as the clean-up for the event was ending the firefighters got a call out to respond to an accident. It’s an inspiring thing to witness people who have already put in a full day--or more--of community service hurrying off to offer aid and assistance to someone in need.

This weekend is the Logger’s Jubilee, complete with Community Theater at the Roxy, lawnmower races, a beer garden, a parade which includes --my personal favorite part-- candy tossed from the parade participants to the happy spectators. And of course the big logging skills competition that spans two days.

August is also the month that dear friends from high school come to visit and we all spend lots of quality time together—which means that we all turn into our 18 year old selves again and high-jinks will surely ensue. This year we are planning a tribute to Mama June and are busy locating our old scripts from speeches and plays that Mrs. Rowland coerced us into---I mean COACHED us through. We plan to present them in due time, so if I were you I would hit up the Blue Spruce every weekend just in case the Opening Night of the Mama June (Bug) Rowland Memorial Tribute happens to be spontaneously occurring. And this time, we promise NOT to steal the salt shakers...