Year In Review

Christmas Tree 2016

As we approach the Holiday Season and the end of another year, it is traditional to take a look back and to see how far we’ve come; to tally our blessings and, if necessary, lick our wounds. And whether we give thanks for the past year or can’t wait to see it end, one thing seems to be universally true: we all hope that 2017 will be better.

When I review 2016, I am aware that, all my fervent statements to the contrary, I have yet to install an elk defying fence around my backyard. And, thanks to the ridiculous amounts of snow we’ve received this month, my poor privet hedge is looking a little pancaked. So I’m hoping that 2017 will be the Year of the Elk Fence.

My backyard hosted a wedding this summer and even without a fence, both the elk and the rain stayed away and everything turned out beautifully. Love is always a blessing and I am so thankful to be surrounded by it. 2017 will continue that trend and I have yet another son that has asked his Beloved to marry him. 2017 will be a year that we add yet another Mrs. Sume to the family. My heart is very happy.

Hunting season 2016 saw one less elk menacing my petunias. But before I could finish savoring that victory, a renegade elk tangled with my son’s pickup truck on Highway 12. Thankfully he was unhurt, the truck was insured, and---as Shane used to say---they make new parts every day.

However 2016 treated you, whatever it is you see when you stop and look behind you, may 2017 be a better year. May we be kinder to one another, may we be gentle with ourselves. And, in the immortal words of Tiny Tim, may “God bless us, everyone!”

Let It Snow..

Let it snow, let it snow...Just NOT in my driveway.

Over the course of the last week, a foot –or more!--of snow has fallen at my place. Some of it is very atmospheric and beautiful, makes me feel all Christmassy and I want to drink hot chocolate and have a snowball fight and make snowmen and snow angels and go sledding and write run-on sentences... But far too much of it has landed in my driveway. And driveway snow is a buzz kill. Driveway snow means I have to shovel---and I have a lo-o-o-n-g driveway. Parts of it are uphill---both ways! I quickly lose all my happy thoughts and start stomping around and muttering under my breath, stupid dang snow, anyway.

So far the SSD (stupid dang snow) has 1) caused me to go outside in my PJs with a broom. Don’t ask, just be glad you’re NOT my neighbor. Single-handedly I often lower the property values in my neighborhood. I’m the kind of neighbor people will often beg to “stay inside while the realtor is showing the nice couple around, please?” 

 2) Spray myself in the face with neon pink spray paint. Once again, don’t ask, but I will tell you I wasn’t re-enacting the Cat-In-the-Hat. Although I did end up with a lot of pink snow. And a pink nose. It was a clever---well, it seemed like a clever idea at the time. Anyway, it was an attempt to prevent a Snow Crime. You know how when you just finish shoveling your driveway and then you go back into the house to take a shower and put on Real Clothes and hop into your defrosted car--congratulating yourself for having wise foresight in defrosting it ahead of time—and you drive down the driveway only to find that while you were inside the long awaited snow plow has come along and plowed you in? Yes, well that’s what the spray paint was for. (It made sense in my head, don’t question it.)

In my opinion, snow is the original four-letter S word....and it needs to S T O P.

Unintended Consequences

Hunting Season has drawn to a close and I’m happy to report that there is one less elk menacing my landscape. He has gone to his just reward---and I shall savor his memory with the appropriate amount of mashed potatoes and gravy.

At 7am this morning his absence was noticeable---it takes far less time for 21 elk to discern that I’m shoeing them out of my yard and to vacate the premises than it did for twenty-TWO elk. I am, of course, being sarcastically facetious with just an after-note of irony, because NO, there are STILL a far too many elk in my yard.

The remaining elk seem oblivious to the fact that I was providing aid and comfort to their Enemies in the form of convenient parking, free coffee and updated scouting reports in real time to any hunters in my neck of the woods. Plant enough flowers, and it seems elk will forgive you any transgression. “Roses? For me?! You shouldn’t have!”

I’ve spent a lot of time considering how to deal with my problem elk. I’ve considered scrapping my plans to build a fence and instead build a giant walk-in freezer under the apple tree, but the Doubting Thomas’s among my friends point out that elk like to kick and stomp and would make kindling out of my freezer in short order. So out with the freezer, back in with the fence.

I can’t figure out WHAT to do to inspire fear and loathing in my nemesis. They seem immune to all manner of harassment; finding me, at best, mildly amusing. “Oh look, she’s frothing at the mouth and waving a hammer. Try these petunias, the striped ones are delicious.” Providing both dinner and a show is not the affect I was aiming for. Unintended consequences indeed.

Brought to You by the Letter F

It’s Thanksgiving week---that traditional time of year when we gather together and give thanks for the many blessings in our lives. Facebook has been full of folks listing their blessings over the last month; a daily roster of gratitude and it’s been fun to read their ongoing lists. At the Sume house we usually go with the Big Four; family, friends, football and food.

I am also thankful for punctuation. It’s not often you get to write back to back sentences that both use the semi-colon and I am not advocating that you try this at home. But just in case I may have once, accidently, bet someone I could do it---well, there you have it. Consecutive Use of the Semi-colon in a Non-Academic Setting. That’ll be five bucks.

Where was I? Oh yes, the Big Four.

This year Sume Family Thanksgiving will be on Friday—also a Favorite F word—and will include my best friend from high school, who has agreed to take time off from working on that World Peace Thing to come celebrate with us. For those of you that fear your hard earned tax dollars are all being wasted or misspent in the Other Washington, let me assure you that the program she helps implement is one we can all take pride in supporting. It is very much along the lines of teaching people to fish rather than just handing out free fish.

Football is always a big part of our Thanksgiving ritual--although I think this year any game would be a little anti-climactic after last week’s Seahawks victory. That game had a little bit of everyone’s favorites; long rushes, impressive defense, some Jimmy Graham, a little Baldwin...a quarterback that looked more like the DangeRuss guy we know and love, who can not only scramble and throw a TD pass but is capable of catching one as well!

 

Family, friends and football...Which brings us, finally, to food. As I sit down to enjoy our feast---right before I usually get back up to add just a wee bit more gravy—I’m taking a moment to reflect, to rejoice and to remember those less fortunate. If, like me, you’ve forgotten to give to your local food bank before this holiday, it’s not too late. Donations after Thanksgiving are also needed.

I know what I can do with that extra five bucks...

Comfort Me with Apples

   The other day I was in my local cell phone store, the one that also carries all kinds of fun stuff for camping and hunting---not that I really camp or have ever hunted, but they did have a hammock and while I don’t wanna brag, I will be honest. I’m an experienced napper and I’ve always wanted to try it in a hammock. Pretty sure I could nap in a hammock. So while I’m considering if it’s too early to start Christmas shopping for myself, my eye is caught by a display of elk lures.

And by “elk lures” I mean specifically “cow urine.”

Now I’ve heard stories surrounding this specific pheromone phenomenon, but I just always chalked it up to “Tall Tale” column, or maybe the “Let’s Get Mikey To Do It, He’ll Believe Anything; Remember the Time We Took Him Snipe Hunting” column.

I resolved to ask the next hunters I ran into---and it’s easy to run into hunters, with them all decked out in blaze orange camo. I will often bump into them in the cookie aisle of the grocery store and have to apologize, “Oh, sorry! Didn’t see you there...”

The hunters I surveyed agreed that yes, some hunters did use the “lures”---they wouldn’t name names, which I found a bit disappointing; it seems what happens in elk camp stays in elk camp. But they did admit to purchasing specially scented “non-scented” laundry detergent so the elk wouldn’t spook at the scent of Tide.

"Comfort me with apples, for I am sick of Love"
said the spokes-elk for my new line of Elk Lures.

Which, I can assure you, is a waste of money. Trust me. If Tide could scare elk away I’d know about it. But it did give me a great idea for developing a line of elk lure products that would actually WORK. My line of elk lures would smell like a cross between apples and petunias, with just the faintest after note of vulnerable rose. Just dab a little behind your ears, you’ll be instantly irresistible to elk.