Comfort Me with Apples

   The other day I was in my local cell phone store, the one that also carries all kinds of fun stuff for camping and hunting---not that I really camp or have ever hunted, but they did have a hammock and while I don’t wanna brag, I will be honest. I’m an experienced napper and I’ve always wanted to try it in a hammock. Pretty sure I could nap in a hammock. So while I’m considering if it’s too early to start Christmas shopping for myself, my eye is caught by a display of elk lures.

And by “elk lures” I mean specifically “cow urine.”

Now I’ve heard stories surrounding this specific pheromone phenomenon, but I just always chalked it up to “Tall Tale” column, or maybe the “Let’s Get Mikey To Do It, He’ll Believe Anything; Remember the Time We Took Him Snipe Hunting” column.

I resolved to ask the next hunters I ran into---and it’s easy to run into hunters, with them all decked out in blaze orange camo. I will often bump into them in the cookie aisle of the grocery store and have to apologize, “Oh, sorry! Didn’t see you there...”

The hunters I surveyed agreed that yes, some hunters did use the “lures”---they wouldn’t name names, which I found a bit disappointing; it seems what happens in elk camp stays in elk camp. But they did admit to purchasing specially scented “non-scented” laundry detergent so the elk wouldn’t spook at the scent of Tide.

"Comfort me with apples, for I am sick of Love"
said the spokes-elk for my new line of Elk Lures.

Which, I can assure you, is a waste of money. Trust me. If Tide could scare elk away I’d know about it. But it did give me a great idea for developing a line of elk lure products that would actually WORK. My line of elk lures would smell like a cross between apples and petunias, with just the faintest after note of vulnerable rose. Just dab a little behind your ears, you’ll be instantly irresistible to elk.