In
an attempt to embrace “this Right Now Life” I am outside in my beautiful,
battered swing under the shedding alder tree; writing, weeping, longing. Trying
to find the rainbow, the pearl, the pony in this mountain of sorrow.
This
is my life. This. These “exact nows.” Music and words, paper and tears, Kleenex
and the beauty that still remains at summer’s end.
This
has been, for whatever reason, a difficult week. Transitions are hard. Summer
into Fall is breaking my heart all over again.
Part
of me wants to go back up and edit out the “mountain of sorrow” part---it seems
so overly dramatic, so much hyperbole—but I leave it. It was, in the moment I
wrote it, Truth. Some moments truly suck.
Thankfully
not every moment is this painful. Grief stills finds me, comes upon me
unexpectedly and the stabbing of my heart is swift and deep. But it
is—now--brief. Sometimes my step doesn’t falter much and I continue on.
This week it brings me to my knees.
The
philosopher Camus wrote “In the
depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible
summer.” I know this to be true. I will also add that both are true: both
winter and summer must have their days.
In Ecclesiastes is
says “To everything there is a season... A time
to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that
which is planted... a time to break down, and a time to build up...A time to
weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” I prefer to think of birthdays and building,
laughing and dancing, loving and planting---all the positive, beautiful things.
Summer, if you will.
And it is Summer I will
hold in my heart, even against the days of ice and loss. This Right Now Life
has a beauty of its own and I will search it out. There’s gotta be a pony in here
somewhere.
There is "a pony" in there. A butterfly. Aponi has several meanings as a Native American female name. People with this name have a deep inner need for quiet, and a desire to understand and analyze the world they live in, and to learn the deeper truths.
ReplyDeleteFrom a different perspective, People with this name tend to initiate events, to be leaders rather than followers, with powerful personalities. They tend to be focused on specific goals, experience a wealth of creative new ideas, and have the ability to implement these ideas with efficiency and determination. They tend to be courageous and sometimes aggressive. As unique, creative individuals, they tend to resent authority, and are sometimes stubborn, proud, and impatient. And they say the wrong things at the wrong time.