How To Survive Grief

Part One: Mourn

It has been two years since my husband went out to get gas for his truck. I never saw him again. I had casually said goodbye, and it ended up being so.

In the days and weeks---and months. And now years---that followed I was given a crash course in grief. And, I was given a front row seat to seeing love in action. Loving people willing walked into the darkness with me, and held my hand. I learned much during that time and in the time since.

I don’t think Americans are comfortable with the thought of grief; we don’t want to look at it, we don’t know how to deal with it. And, to be more honest, I don’t think we realize that you don’t “deal” with grief at all---you just experience it. Grief is not really “manageable”---it just IS.

I can hear you saying, “Gee Sue, thanks for the tip! Survive grief by NOT managing it. Awesome. Very helpful.” I know it seems counter intuitive, we want to DO something, FIX it, stop it, control it. Make the pain and the soul numbing sadness GO AWAY.

But you can’t. And it won’t. Eventually, the pain either lessens, or we become more accustomed to it but I don’t know that it ever STOPS.  I’m only two years in and I probably have much yet to learn.

But I DO know how to survive the First Worsts, the first awful year following a loss. The best advice I can give you is to go ahead and GRIEVE. Let it in. Weep. Mourn. Find comfort in Ritual, even if you need to invent one for yourself. Don’t shut off your feelings and don’t let others---as well meaning as they might be—try to shut your grief down.

Grieving takes time. Lots of it. Everyone is different; don’t let anyone tell you that you need to “move on.” That’s probably just their blissful ignorance talking---they don’t know the hard truth that you know. You are moving through grief; tears and pain and sadness are a part of that process.

Stay hydrated. Seriously. It's a small thing, but it helped. It gave me something to do when there was nothing I could do.