Alert Level Orange

WARNING: we have now reached Level Orange of the Zucchini Defense system. I apologize for not alerting you last week to Level Yellow, but to be honest the whole zucchini season kind of snuck up on me. Thankfully, we are not yet at Level Red—but it’s never too early to lock your car doors and to avoid making eye contact with your gardening neighbors.

At this point in the season, it’s easy to forget what a menace zucchini can be. I, myself, during level Yellow, nearly got sucked in to accepting multiple zucchinis from the Kelly Garden.

It all started innocuously enough. I was visiting the Kelly garden, admiring all the blooming growth and enjoying a post garden-tour cup of tea when the trouble started. Tim came up on the back deck, arms laden with baby zucchini—those oft fabled, rarely seen teeny tiny zucchini, you know the ones I mean, zucchini smaller than a kayak, zucchini about the size of a medium cucumber; the kind of zucchini that seems manageable, fresh and delicious. Then he returned with some actual cucumbers and added them to now expanding pile of perfect produce.

I agreed to accept one zucchini and one cucumber. Which is how most cautionary tales start, just one little one, what could it possibly hurt? Like all good pushers of produce, Tim offered me more. I politely declined. He then offered to put my one zucchini and one cucumber in a bag for me and I nearly fell for it.

WHATEVER YOU DO---DO NOT ACCEPT PRODUCE THAT HAS BEEN PRE-BAGGED. Now, I’m not saying Tim would have been overwhelmed by generosity or would intentionally spam my bag with extra zucchini, all I’m saying is that when I return home and carry the bag into my house...well, the bag would most likely include more than one baby zucchini and one medium cucumber. It’s entirely possible that the bagged zucchini would have begun, by some dark magic, to multiply. And once I innocently carry the bag over my threshold...I shudder to think of the outcome.

Zucchini bread does go really well with tea, though.