Like a Boss

So, here’s the scenario: it’s a dark and stormy night, you are two hours away from home. You need to find directions to your overnight accommodations, confirm dinner plans, and pick up a loved one at the airport early the next morning. You may or may not remember exactly when they are expected to land, or the flight number. You do remember the airline.

Here’s the complication: you have no cell phone. Totally expected plot twist—it is completely your fault. Also, it’s snowing but I’m pretty sure that’s not your fault.

So, what are you going to do? Problem solve like a BOSS, that’s what you’re going to do. And when I say problem solve like a boss, I mean like a mob boss. Specifically, Walter White. Actually, your game plan for problem solving like a boss looks like a combination of Breaking Bad meets Six Degrees of Separation.

Step One: go to Target, channel your inner WW, and buy a burner phone. Pretend you are researching how easy this is to do. Spoiler alert: super easy. However, I forgot to pay cash, so not really good at this Mob Boss thing, but I digress. It is less than $40, much cheaper/faster than a four-hour round trip to retrieve own phone.

Step Two: after the kind person at Target has set up the phone for you—because hello, Mob Boss here, not I.T. guy—call the one person whose number you know by heart. Yes, it is a landline.

Step Three: leave message, because of course they aren’t going to pick up a number they don’t recognize, who does that?

Step Four: call them back, hoping they’ve listened to the message and will now accept your call. They do, thankfully. You explain how pretty you are. They are aware.

Step Five: ask them for your son’s cell phone number. I would mention their car’s impending warranty expiration, but now does not seem like an ideal time.

Steps Six thru Eight—Repeating Step Three as necessary: get all the numbers you need to solve your dinner, accommodations, and airport pick up problem.

Step Nine: congratulate yourself on not letting “Pretty” be your only defining characteristic. “Problem Solver” is a good antidote to “Pretty.”

Step Ten: still manage to be an hour late for airport pickup because A) no map app, B) no traffic alerts, and C) PRETTY.

Moral of the Story: Memorize at least one phone number of someone who knows Your People. And pay cash. If you’re going to be a Pretty Mob Boss, might as well be an untraceable one. Because yes, I totally entered my name as Walter White on the burner phone.

Probably because I've left my keys somewhere...