America’s Most Wanted

So I live in one of “those” neighborhoods---the kind of neighborhood where there are gangs of miscreants who party all night and keep others awake. Often at 1:30 a.m. I’m awakened by all kinds of shenanigans going on outside and, from the sounds of it, it’s often right outside my bedroom window. It’s all kinds of wrong. They never invite me, they damage my property, and if I go out and chase them away they just come right back. 

Filing a report with officials seems to offer little, if any, relief. The next night they are right back at it; stomping, chirping, sometimes making threatening chewing noises that send a chill right through me and are guaranteed to wake me out of a sound sleep.

All of my other, more respectable, considerate neighbors suffer similar fates. I don’t know that everyone has a party going on right outside their bedroom window, but all of us wake up to the wildlife equivalent of tire tracks on the lawn and beer can strewn about. Not to mention the hoodlum’s “personal” waste!

I’ve decided ENOUGH ALREADY and I’m taking my complaint public. Perhaps a good public shaming will have some effect.

As far as I can tell, this seems to be their ringleader. I know what you’re thinking—oh, she’s SO beautiful! Look at her proud carriage, look at those long eyelashes!

You know what I say? Look at her flower stained teeth! Look at her delicious haunches!

As we head into the fall I’m asking all public minded individuals to keep an eye peeled for this trouble-maker and her gang. When you see her or others of her type, I beg you, please take the most extreme action you are licensed to take.

And if you happen to bag one that tastes like petunias...

THANK YOU.