Up to Date, Dater, DATEST

Last week’s column was so last week. This week the world has moved on. Last week I mentioned to a dear friend that I was on the cutting edge of relevance, that I was “with it,” that it’s not like I was “PONG in an Angry Birds world, for heaven’s sake!”

It was so sweet the way my friend—who shall remain nameless-- Hi Nameless!--- never mentioned that it was an Angry Birds 2 world now. Or at least it was when I wrote that sentence. Perhaps it’s an Angry Birds X world by the time you read this. Don’t shoot the messenger. Things change.

“Ah,” I imagine you saying, “so the world has moved on. Is that your way of saying you didn’t write what you said you’d write, when you said you’d write it?”

No, of course not! I mean, perhaps. Kind of.  Where was I?

Last week—which I’ve already establishes was SO LAST WEEK—I was addressing the relevant topic of Mission Statement, Beliefs and Code of Conduct as it relates to we here at Over My Garden Gate. And by “we” I mean me. To recap:

My Beliefs, in a nut shell: 1) I’m convinced I’m funny. 2) Elk are evil, yet delicious. 3) Whatever topic I’m currently yammering on about. 4) Don’t read too much into the phrase “nut shell.”

My Code of Conduct is that I will never to push a belief on you that I, myself, haven’t held. For at least twenty minutes. Promise.

My Mission Statement: ***still under construction***

It takes a lot of work to craft a Mission Statement. It’s not like you can just sit down and make one up, I know, I’ve tried. Mission statements require a lot of “current speak” but cannot be clichéd. A mission statement must “lean in,” while being “forward thinking.” A mission statement should probably avoid getting dizzy at the same time. It should be punchy and pithy and to the point. A little grandiosity wouldn’t hurt. Eloquence is also good. The ease to which you can fit your mission statement on a bumper sticker, t-shirt or a coffee mug is also important. Branding MATTERS. Shipping should be free. I should probably update my Beliefs to include free shipping.

Maybe next week?

Up to Date and Totally Relevant

In these perilous days, when journalists and writers face charges of “Fake News,” seemingly every time they write something unpopular, I thought it best to go on record with my Beliefs, Mission Statement and Code of Conduct.

Which means I must write one, a Mission Statement that is. My “Beliefs” I’ll happily yammer on at you at length, week after week. A friend once told me I was the funniest person I know, and I had to agree with him. I never fail to laugh at my own jokes. Even though most of the jokes I know exist only in the form of punch lines. They’re the most memorable part to me. I may no longer remember the joke*, but by golly “Gramma made it for me!” or “...And set your clock back!” never fail to make me laugh. (*if you happen to remember these jokes please tell it to me. I’ll supply the punchline. And I promise to laugh.)

My Beliefs, in a nut shell: 1) I’m convinced I’m funny. 2) Elk are evil, yet delicious. 3) Whatever topic I’m currently yammering on about. 4) Don’t read too much into the phrase “nut shell.”

 My Code of Conduct is that I will never to push a belief on you that I, myself, haven’t held. For at least twenty minutes. Promise.

“For only twenty minutes?”  I imagine you asking, “That seems—rash.”

No, not rash—relevant. Fresh, if you will. Fresh from my brain to the page in front of you, with very little time for those pesky rewrites. Usually written in those creatively charged hours RIGHT BEFORE THE DEADLINE, OH DEAR HEAVENS WHY DIDN’T I DO THIS YESTERDAY? I THOUGHT I MADE SOME SORT OF NEW YEARS RESOLUTUION TO--- oh. Note to self: actually make New Year’s Resolutions final.

"Not throwing away my SHOT"

Sometimes life comes at you fast. I didn’t write this week’s column ahead of time because I was too busy practicing showtunes –specifically those to Hamilton. If you’d like me to perform them for you just ask. Better yet, if given the chance, sell your kidney and go see it. It’s playing in Seattle thru the middle of next month and I only need one kidney anyway...totally worth it.

Next week: more fresh relevance. Possibly a Mission Statement. Maybe Resolutions.  Whatever. Guaranteed** funny or double your money back.

**This offer only available to The Shopper readers