Ill Tempered Beast

Welcome back to this episode of Over My Garden Gate, in which we discover our plucky heroine isn’t quite a plucky as we thought.

Oh sure, she got on board the This Is a Serious Pandemic train early on and settled in for the long ride with nary a complaint, mostly. She had her snacks for the journey, and plenty of TP, and with that mess of curls she calls a hairdo who could tell she already overdo for a haircut in March? She packed her favorite soapbox and at every whistle stop along the way was happy to preach the gospel of Stay Home Save Lives.

When you shelter at home—who is going to see the whole hair mess anyway? Not to mention the later addition of masks—GENIUS! No haircut, no mascara—no problem! Put on a mask when you go out in public and voila! No one can recognize her! It’s like putting glasses on Superman—no one knew who he was! Secret Identity! Also, she stopped wearing contacts and only wore glasses—so exactly like Superman! Maybe she IS Superman!

Superman. Probably
Who can know?

It’s true, she had a brand-new grandson she hadn’t held since he was not quite a month old, and a slightly-used 20 month old grandson whose vocabulary was developing daily with out her there to influence it. But thank goodness for the invention of Snapchat and FaceTime! Our plucky heroine could receive multiple pictures of Baby Aiden in real time and do a nightly book club slash story time with John Boy Shane, and it was a lot to be thankful for. Word of advice? Toddlers shouldn’t be served wine in their sippy cups—but it’s totally fine for Nannas. Sippy cups save spills, amirite? Cheerios and string cheese are delicious snacks. It’s almost like being there!

Our heroine’s pluck took on some serious damage when one of her sons underwent emergency surgery mid hospital crisis, and no one could go visit him. But God is good--all the time--and her friends pulled her through; after a second hospitalization he was finally on the mend and Life in Lockdown continued on.

The sun was out, there was grass to mow and flowers to plant and multiple home improvement projects start—in a super plucky fashion, our heroine bravely started project after project without actually completing projects One, Three and Seven because—well, because she’s an idiot, but that’s a story for a different time.

But the wear and tear on her pluck became cumulative. And when the rains came, and day after day became darker, and soggier, her pluck went AWOL. Our heroine suddenly snapped one day last week and became an ill-tempered beast who could be neither soothed nor solaced, nor sung to. She stomped around the house, cursing the rain and the virus. She declared she was bored, and mad, and sad; she hated rain, threatened to break all her crayons, and run away from home. Did I mention it was raining? Still? Again? And that it would probably never stop? Ever ever ever? The cats sought shelter under the bed, and the neighbors vacillated between calling a Realtor or calling a Priest...and then the strangest thing happened...

Tune in to next week’s episode, where we discover the fate of our heroine. Does she get her pluck back? Or do the neighbors end up lighting torches and storming her castle? Does she get one of those cute little white jackets with the sleeves that buckle in the back?

Virtual Real Life

By now, even the most blissfully oblivious among us have noticed that “normal” is a bit different than “business as usual.”

There are all kinds of advice and information—even mis-information-- available on public safety, proper hand washing, social distancing. Hopefully you’ve paid attention to the Very Fine Advice available, but if you haven’t, here’s the cheat sheet: 1) You can have the virus and share it BEFORE you have any symptoms. SO-- just because y’all are feeling find doesn’t mean you still can’t infect grandma. And since I’ve officially become a grandma, I TAKE THIS PERSONALLY.

2) Wash your hands often, for at LEAST 20 seconds, WITH SOAP (your mom was right about that) and turn off the water with a paper towel if possible. Disinfect surfaces often AND STOP LICKING DOOR HANDLES, I SEE YOU, INTERNET. For the rest of you, stop touching your face.

3) To social distance: just pretend you’re better than everyone else and space accordingly. Just kidding--but do keep 6-10 feet apart in public. That means new line etiquette, don’t get in your cashier’s face when paying/ordering, and you can go to Disneyland when this is all over, but not now. STAY HOME. Yes, you can go for a walk in the woods, but stay 6-10 feet away from bears. Or other hikers, whatever. Google “flatten the curve” and see why it’s so important we do this NOW. As an aside, I can only hope someone hasn’t turned #Flatten the Curve into one of those risqué sites...

If you can afford to, consider keeping your appointments with small business owners, but keep them “virtually”. Order your coffee, pick it up and then chat with your buddies via FaceTIme. Personally, I’m “keeping” my appointments (paying for them) but not going “in office” to get them. I can help keep my local economy going, I can keep myself and my neighbors safe. I know not everyone can do this—but if you can, please consider it. I promised my hairdresser I wouldn’t cut my own bangs in the meantime, so I believe she’s on board with my plan.

4) Take care of your immune system. Laughter is good medicine, so here’s my recent favorite, regarding toilet paper hoarding: “Back in my day, there was so much TP, people used to literally string it up in the trees of their enemies.”

 Eat your veggies, drink plenty of water and get plenty of sleep. Mom was right again!

 Check in with your neighbors, Senior Citizens, and friends. We all need connection, even as we “distance.” Thinking about others takes your mind of your own worries. 

We truly are all in this together. Six feet apart.