Unintended Consequences

Hunting Season has drawn to a close and I’m happy to report that there is one less elk menacing my landscape. He has gone to his just reward---and I shall savor his memory with the appropriate amount of mashed potatoes and gravy.

At 7am this morning his absence was noticeable---it takes far less time for 21 elk to discern that I’m shoeing them out of my yard and to vacate the premises than it did for twenty-TWO elk. I am, of course, being sarcastically facetious with just an after-note of irony, because NO, there are STILL a far too many elk in my yard.

The remaining elk seem oblivious to the fact that I was providing aid and comfort to their Enemies in the form of convenient parking, free coffee and updated scouting reports in real time to any hunters in my neck of the woods. Plant enough flowers, and it seems elk will forgive you any transgression. “Roses? For me?! You shouldn’t have!”

I’ve spent a lot of time considering how to deal with my problem elk. I’ve considered scrapping my plans to build a fence and instead build a giant walk-in freezer under the apple tree, but the Doubting Thomas’s among my friends point out that elk like to kick and stomp and would make kindling out of my freezer in short order. So out with the freezer, back in with the fence.

I can’t figure out WHAT to do to inspire fear and loathing in my nemesis. They seem immune to all manner of harassment; finding me, at best, mildly amusing. “Oh look, she’s frothing at the mouth and waving a hammer. Try these petunias, the striped ones are delicious.” Providing both dinner and a show is not the affect I was aiming for. Unintended consequences indeed.

Brought to You by the Letter F

It’s Thanksgiving week---that traditional time of year when we gather together and give thanks for the many blessings in our lives. Facebook has been full of folks listing their blessings over the last month; a daily roster of gratitude and it’s been fun to read their ongoing lists. At the Sume house we usually go with the Big Four; family, friends, football and food.

I am also thankful for punctuation. It’s not often you get to write back to back sentences that both use the semi-colon and I am not advocating that you try this at home. But just in case I may have once, accidently, bet someone I could do it---well, there you have it. Consecutive Use of the Semi-colon in a Non-Academic Setting. That’ll be five bucks.

Where was I? Oh yes, the Big Four.

This year Sume Family Thanksgiving will be on Friday—also a Favorite F word—and will include my best friend from high school, who has agreed to take time off from working on that World Peace Thing to come celebrate with us. For those of you that fear your hard earned tax dollars are all being wasted or misspent in the Other Washington, let me assure you that the program she helps implement is one we can all take pride in supporting. It is very much along the lines of teaching people to fish rather than just handing out free fish.

Football is always a big part of our Thanksgiving ritual--although I think this year any game would be a little anti-climactic after last week’s Seahawks victory. That game had a little bit of everyone’s favorites; long rushes, impressive defense, some Jimmy Graham, a little Baldwin...a quarterback that looked more like the DangeRuss guy we know and love, who can not only scramble and throw a TD pass but is capable of catching one as well!

 

Family, friends and football...Which brings us, finally, to food. As I sit down to enjoy our feast---right before I usually get back up to add just a wee bit more gravy—I’m taking a moment to reflect, to rejoice and to remember those less fortunate. If, like me, you’ve forgotten to give to your local food bank before this holiday, it’s not too late. Donations after Thanksgiving are also needed.

I know what I can do with that extra five bucks...

Comfort Me with Apples

   The other day I was in my local cell phone store, the one that also carries all kinds of fun stuff for camping and hunting---not that I really camp or have ever hunted, but they did have a hammock and while I don’t wanna brag, I will be honest. I’m an experienced napper and I’ve always wanted to try it in a hammock. Pretty sure I could nap in a hammock. So while I’m considering if it’s too early to start Christmas shopping for myself, my eye is caught by a display of elk lures.

And by “elk lures” I mean specifically “cow urine.”

Now I’ve heard stories surrounding this specific pheromone phenomenon, but I just always chalked it up to “Tall Tale” column, or maybe the “Let’s Get Mikey To Do It, He’ll Believe Anything; Remember the Time We Took Him Snipe Hunting” column.

I resolved to ask the next hunters I ran into---and it’s easy to run into hunters, with them all decked out in blaze orange camo. I will often bump into them in the cookie aisle of the grocery store and have to apologize, “Oh, sorry! Didn’t see you there...”

The hunters I surveyed agreed that yes, some hunters did use the “lures”---they wouldn’t name names, which I found a bit disappointing; it seems what happens in elk camp stays in elk camp. But they did admit to purchasing specially scented “non-scented” laundry detergent so the elk wouldn’t spook at the scent of Tide.

"Comfort me with apples, for I am sick of Love"
said the spokes-elk for my new line of Elk Lures.

Which, I can assure you, is a waste of money. Trust me. If Tide could scare elk away I’d know about it. But it did give me a great idea for developing a line of elk lure products that would actually WORK. My line of elk lures would smell like a cross between apples and petunias, with just the faintest after note of vulnerable rose. Just dab a little behind your ears, you’ll be instantly irresistible to elk.

Sound and Fury

We live in interesting times, there is no doubt about it. As I write this, votes are being cast across the country, votes that will decide who assumes the awe-inspiring responsibility of POTUS. As you read this, the outcome---with any luck---has already been decided and you know more than I know at this point. Pretty sure that history is being made, either way, and that past barriers are being broken; perhaps we as a nation have gone in a different political direction or perhaps we as a nation are finally shattering the glass ceiling. I will hasten to add that incase y’all got together and more than two of you wrote down MY name in an effort to bring a Political Outsider and a Woman into one candidate---alas! I shall have to humbly decline. My anti-elk policies are too well known and would alienate all those who prefer their elk NOT covered in gravy. And I feel too strongly about this important issue to compromise. It is my unwillingness to work co-operatively on this important issue that makes me unfit for office. Well, that and the fact that I am geographically challenged. And balancing the budget would make me cranky. And I am too easily distracted by cat videos on the Internet. And---well, enough about me.

 So, votes have been cast, history has been made. Anybody besides me really miss going into the polls in person and casting your ballot on Election Day? I get that mail-in ballots are cheaper, and I do like having the time to sit with my ballot and my voter’s pamphlet and fill in the little boxes, but there was just something special about ‘The Way It Used To Be’. Standing in line at the Senior Citizens Hall, being greeted by the little old ladies behind the table. No need for voter ID in Packwood, they not only know me on sight, they would often chide me for being the last one in my linage to vote. My favorite part always came at the end---being given the “I Voted” sticker...

Well, that and the Bake Sale cookies...Ah, the good old days!

A Modest Proposal

You can feel it in the air----that most wonderful time of the year!

Hunting season is upon us and hopes are running high. Visions of trophy bulls dance in my head...and by “trophy bulls” I of course mean those beasts with the biggest, chompy-est teeth and the biggest stompy-est feet. And by bulls, I of course mean cows. All twenty-one of them, standing ankle deep in what was once my flowerbed.  Along with one little, not-quite-legal bull. 

                                                                                   Grand total? Twenty two.

Elk in this photo are more destructive than they might appear...
and not all 22 would fit in the frame, but they are there, believe me.

That’s the problem with elk---they’re mostly cows, mostly off limits except to the lucky few; those hunters who have been blessed with a cow tag. And that doesn’t solve my elk/flower problem. It doesn’t take a mathematical genius to realize that 21 cows plus/minus one cow tag still equals NO FLOWERS, no matter how many times you carry the one.

So I have a suggestion to make: next season, along with every bull elk tag sold, all hunters get a provisional FREE cow elk tag. At the end of the season if you haven’t filled your tag with that elusive trophy bull you are then free to tag and bag a cow elk. Actually, I’m feeling generous. Go ahead and take a free cow anyway! And if you don’t have enough freezer space, go buy a new one. Think of all the money you will save on meat! Think of how this policy could stimulate our economy!  It’s the New Deal American Dream: an elk in every freezer!

I suggest that this policy remain in force for three years and then we re-visit it and see if it needs any fine tuning---perhaps two cows/one tag? I’m open to compromise.