Mousecapades: The Finale

Let me quickly set the scene for you:

 It’s 3 a.m. in a typical, small bathroom. A woman wearing a bathrobe and boots is standing on a toilet, waving a broom in one hand and a cellphone with the flashlight on in the other. She somehow believes the flashlight will spotlight the mouse. She believes the cats will find that helpful. She will eventually add a yardstick to complete the ensemble. She has locked herself, two cats, and one small mouse in the small bathroom.

That woman is me.

I have a lump on my head—don’t ask, it happened during one of my attempts to leap lithely upon the toilet and the overhead cabinet decided to foul me. I am NOT afraid of the mouse; I was just trying to give the cats ample floor space—as I said, it’s a small bathroom-- in which to pursue—AND HOPEFULLY PLEASE GOD, CATCH-- the mouse. Truly.

The mouse is zipping with lightning speed around and around the bathroom, occasionally eyeing me as though he’d like to join me on my perch. I fend him off with the broom. The cats watch this interaction closely, but don’t seem to want to interfere. I offer several helpful suggestions to my precious pets in measured, dulcet tones.

The lump on my head throbs. The cats poke at the mouse sporadically. The mouse achieves several land speed records and becomes a mere blur. I’m pretty sure it’s not my head injury.

Then the mouse is gone.

I have a lump on my head, it’s 3 a.m. and SOMEHOW THE STUPID CATS HAVE LET THE MOUSE OUT OF A LOCKED BATHROOM! I CAN’T DO EVERYTHING CATS! I’M ALREADY STANDING ON THE TOILET WITH A BROOM AND A CELLPHONE SCREAMING “THERE IT IS, GET IT, GET IT,” WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED???

Narrator voice: They needed---OMG GET IT, GET IT, GET IT!!!

Scene: Some indeterminate time later.

Annie to the rescue!

AHA! I am the successful knocker-outer of RABID MEECE! I AM THE UNDESPUTED HEAVY, WELTERWEIGHT CHAMPION! I AM SUE, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE! I AM—sorry, was I yelling? I am She Who Must Be Reckoned With! She who wields her broom and yardstick to the terror of all who would invade her Queendom and threaten the peace of her castle! They WILL FEEL HER WRATH! BE PREPARED TO MEET THY MAKER, STUPID MOUSE--via a quick flush of the princessly potty. Because I am nothing if not resourceful!

Scene: It is 3:41 a.m. and the castle prepares for sleep. The Very Bad Cats have been granted a pardon and fed treats. Because the disappearing mouse was, in fact, not disappeared, but hiding under the bathroom scale. Annie found it and stayed on the job until I figured it out, no matter how many unkind things I said about her, her heritage, and her skill set. Also, the scale the mouse was hiding under was clear glass. So, there’s that.